Kids are disgusting. Their first couple of years on the planet are spent publicly soiling themselves. Then, as they learn to walk, they go on to discover all the horrible stuff they can put in their mouths: crayons, Play-Doh, worms, snails – the list is endless. As their sentience develops, so too does their creativity regarding the weird shit they can eat.
When I was a child, for example, I used to drop 5p coins into my bottle of Sprite because I was adamant that it improved the flavour. In hindsight, I think I was just trying to find my personal brand in about the most misguided way I possibly could. I wanted to know what strange delicacies other kids whipped up so I asked around some of my mates.
Name: Opal Fruit Apple
1. Buy a cinema bag of Starburst.
2. Remove each sweet from its individual wrapping.
3. Manually press these together until all the flavours are mixed, into a spherical, ball-like shape.
4. You can now eat it, taking massive bites out of it like you would with the forbidden fruit.
Name: Barbecue Cookies
1. Little side-dip squirt of BBQ sauce (ketchup is also acceptable). This can be a “leftover” dip from a full meal, to really get the maximum out of your dip.
2. Next, take a handful of chocolate chip (or double chocolate chip) Maryland cookies and dip them individually into the BBQ sauce, like you would with a digestive in your tea.
Name: Mega Sandwich
1. First, get a piece of that cheap 1980s style white bread and some cheddar cheese. Technically, the rules of the Mega Sandwich mean that the kitchen is fair game and you can add anything to the bread and cheese. But this is the recipe for the most memorable iteration of it.
2. Lightly toast the white bread. This will aid the structural integrity of the sandwich.
3. Next, spread a thin layer of Daddies Sauce (or any other brown sauce) onto the toasted bread.
4. Open a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch and stack onto the bread.
5. Layer thin slices of cheddar cheese onto the Monster Munch.
6. Top with a fun size Mars bar and place your Mega Sandwich under the grill for three to four minutes.
7. Find some way to eat it. You’ll need a serviette.
Georgie Quantrell Cousins
Name: Biscuit Canapés
1. Choose your favourite unbranded beige biscuits (works best with something robust, but you do you).
2. Sit down, relax and open the biscuits. Top biscuit broken? No worries – you can use this for the topping.
3. Chew the broken biscuit in your mouth, making sure it’s a soft, but not too watery, texture.
4. Pick out biscuit number two from the packet. This must be fully formed, without cracks.
5. Spit biscuit number one (from your mouth) onto biscuit number two.
6. Eat. Always nice with a glass of Robinson’s Summer Fruits on the side.
Name: Pedigree Markies
1. Get yourself a fresh slice of Warburtons’ “toastie” bread.
2. Open a pack of original-flavoured Hula Hoops.
3. Rip the bread into strips, just the right amount to fit perfectly inside a hoop.
4. Get stuffing. You should have enough bread from one slice for the entire pack. Even using crusts.
5. While preparing, line the breaded hoops up on the armchair of your sofa.
6. Once the entire pack is completely breaded and you have an impressive line of bready Hula Hoop battlements, you’re good to go.
Name: Bean Dream
1. You want to get yourself a tin of beans.
2. This tin of beans should be heated for approximately three to four minutes.
3. These beans then want to be emptied onto a plate or into a bowl.
4. Find something chocolatey and cakey – I used to buy a piece of chocolate crunch in primary school, but cake will do.
5. Crumble the cake over your beans.
6. Mix it all together, and voila!
Name: Ice Cream Fries
1. This is a great meal whether you’re out and about or at home and alone; you can either head to your local Maccies or put in an order for delivery. Order yourself one medium portion of fries and a Cadbury McFlurry.
2. Start with the best fri (singular for fries) and dunk it into the McFlurry.
3. Devour the salty, sweet goodness, working your way through the fries from best to worst.
Name: Mashed Potato Sandwich
1. First, you have to select suitable potatoes. I would recommend Maris Piper or King Edward. This knowledge is handed down from my grandad, who spent a large part of his working life growing and trading in the humble spud.
2. Peel them and boil them in some salted water. Keep it simple.
3. When you think they are done, use a knife to test them. If it slides off the blade when you lift it out, you are probably good to go.
4. Mash the potatoes thoroughly and season to taste. Take the time to express gratitude for the potatoes, before mashing a second time to achieve the desired consistency.
5. Add a swig of olive oil.
6. Finally, spread the mash onto your chosen bread with even distribution. For visual consistency, I suggest the use of white bread.
1. Cut one quarter of a baguette.
2. Hollow out the inside.
3. Place five to ten Skittles inside.
4. Follow this with a Mars bar. A Twix or a Boost is also acceptable.
5. Finish it off with a couple of crushed salt and vinegar crisps.
Name: Cheese and Cherries
1. Take a tall glass (this must be transparent to show off the finished dish) and pour in an entire tub of sticky glacé cherries – the kind your nan puts on cakes.
2. Next, grate a block of mature cheddar and pop it in the glass. If you’re feeling inventive, you can do alternate layers of cheese and cherries.
3. Bung in a long spoon.
4. Admire and eat.
1. To describe the making of a breadball as a “recipe” might be over-egging the pudding somewhat – outside of beans eaten straight from the tin or a bowl of Frosties, there can’t be many simpler dishes to prepare. You need white bread. Cheap, sugary, processed beyond buggery white bread. Stiff sourdough or wholesome granary loaves won’t do it.
2. Take a slice of bread, remove the crusts by hand and admire the square of brilliant white in front of you.
3. Then take that square in your hand and crush it into a ball. Smooth the ball between your palms. You want it to be as spherical as possible.
4. With the ball assembled, it’s time to dip. Every meal I ate between the ages of five to 18 was served with baked beans, so I’d watch with delight as my breadball flashed from white to orange in an instant. It is best eaten in two bites. Three max.